Official Website of Comedian Spanky Brown

This is my first entry of my blog or my diary or whatever you want to call it . I don't know how interested some of you are with what I'm doing ... frankly , I think blogs are sort of silly ... but then in my lively hood ... it can be an asset to my writing

..... jokes that is ... so .. some of you will be the first to read what I'm working on ... thinking about or upset with ... which all contribute to the humor . I hope you find something here in the future that will not only make you think but make you laugh as well...

after all .... that is my job ...

Holla ...

10/2/07 Tue

I just bought new furniture that I had to assemble ... which sucks but I just want to send big props out to "Mr.Allen " ... the guy I assume that invented the Allen wrench ... not for the inventing of it ... but the marketing of it ... cause I remember a time when you couldn't find an Allen wrench ... you were putting together your bike .., all of a sudden you discover something that ain't really a screw ... oh it kinda looks like one ... but it had a hole in it with sides ... looked like if somebody removed the Pentagon ... like some aliens or something ... and it was the hole it left ... any way ... I'm putting my bedroom suit together ... and there's like Allen wrenches in every bag of nuts and bolts and stuff ... What A Great Idea... since I can't sell this thing ... I'll make people use it by giving it away ... yeah ... cause you never know when you might need an Allen wrench ... all I had to do was purchase a
$ 2000 bedroom suit and I got a Allen wrench ... ABSOLUTELY FREE !!!!
So ... of course I gotta keep it ... cause I'm a guy , and it's a tool ... cause you never know ....I haven't really needed an Allen wrench in over 30 years but it's good to know that 30 years from now ... I have one ... somewhere in my house ... somewhere in a cluttered drawer ... cause I saw the thing .... somewhere ... anyhow , thanx Mr. Allen ... when I think of a "tool" ... I think of you .... I'm Jus' Sayin' ...

Some people really get on my nerves ... like people who chose to read on a red-eye flight ...

I know you're trying to better yourself ... but do it during bankers hours .. trust me ... us people trying to sleep are not impressed ... maybe you slept all day ... maybe your body clock is a little off .... I don't know and really don't care ... I'm just saying whatever you're reading , do it when you get home ... buy an ipod and put your book on it ... or some night vision goggles ... I saw this 40 ish something guy in Knoxville airport ... sitting there ... with some of those virtual reality , star trek glasses on ... hooked to his ipod ...

watching videos ... you need to go to bed ... for real ... you're a grown ass man ... and I know you were not reading ... and then this one guy an my flight was sleeping in the "crash" position ... you know how they tell you to get in case we crash ... wha ...? ... you know something the rest of us don't ? ... don't do that ... you make everybody else nervous ... all I'm saying is ... I'm driving next time ... I'm Jus' Sayin' ...

Hannah Montana tickets are going for $500 -$1500 a piece ... that ain't no joke ... I'm gonna take a page from Billy Ray Cyrus' book ... and teach my daughter to sing ... since I can't ... that's some Achy Breaky for you right there ... You'll be Achy Brokey after seeing this concert ... I'm Jus' Sayin' ...

There are a lot of police chase video shows on and a lot of ignorant fools starring in em ... and a lot of innocent folks are getting involved in stupidity of others

... so I think all criminals should have lights on there cars too ... an ignorant light so to speak ... a strobe light ... to let us somewhat law abiding people know , that some ignorance is about to take place ... that way we'll get to the right lane and let you and the police have that ignorance all to yourself ... if you're a criminal go out and get yourself a strobe light ... with a magnet on it so when you're feeling extra stupid ... throw it up on the roof ... like Starsky and Hutch or Hawaii 5-0

or something ... damn I'm dating myself... and just do you ... but don't involve other folks when we're doing our best to act right ... Thanx again and by all means keep that ignorance alive ... so we can all laugh at your stupid #&*! on the television... I'm jus sayin' ...

I did a show in Memphis ( my Hometown ) on Halloween , and there were costumes ...and there was a white guy ... in a sheet ...dressed as a ghost .... anybody ?

...You know the Klan dresses up too ... and they scare me ... especially when they don't dress up ... Look ... first if you a grown up still celebrating Halloween ... stop ... and we wonder why these kids act so stupid ... cause the grown ups are still being kids ... but I got an idea .... since it's Halloween ... how about doing something grown up ... like casket shopping

... it's appropriate and you can still celebrate the holiday with something functional and kinda spooky ... and you'll use it again ... eventually ... or if you're getting cremated ...

an urn is easier to tote around ... then you can show up to the party being creative ... and when people ask " who or what are you " ... you can say " oh ... this is me in the future " ....

This is funny ... I'm sitting on a plane in Lansing Michigan ... small airport but not that part ... but the plane is packed and the ticket guy , who obviously had to double time from the ticket counter to check me in , probably load the luggage , put gas in the plane , get to the gate take tickets and the grab the intercom to tell us passengers " we have a weight and balance problem ... we need four volunteers to leave the plane and catch the next fight " ... Y'all know me ... let's do the math together ...I'm a big man + a " weight and balance" problem + at 30,000 feet = a big ole' " I'mma holla at cha'll " ...
and factor in that I'm from Tennessee ... and proud to be ... and that automatically makes me " a volunteer"... I get up and go to the door ... the first volunteer ... and people applauded ... like I just finished my set or something ...and there we're guys ( and come to think of it a couple of women , who were bigger than I ) who did not move ... so to all the people who clapped for the right reason ... thats for me being helpful , thoughtful and considerate ... thanx ... for the rest of em ... I hope you get attacked by fire ants this summer ...

Yesterday was big for me . I got added to The Bob and Tom Comedy All Stars Tour ...

so I'll get to see and meet a lot of you in the upcoming year... I want to thank Bob and Tom , Kristi and Chick and Dean for being so cool to me ... my Mom and Dad for making me funny ... and my daughter for being patient with me ...my acceptance speech is over ... but this is a big opportunity for me so I plan to make the most of it ... by doing more meaningful things ... like having more spare change for panhandlers ... being able to leave 20% tips instead of the old " well it's better than nothing tip " and buying more expensive cologne ( sorry Avon )... I see they're trying to make Old Spice sexy in their television ads ... if the word "Old" is in the name , that might be a problem ... plus anything under $5 ain't sexy ... might be cute ... but not sexy ... I'm jus' sayin' ...

Today is a great day ... my girlfriend graduated from nursing school today ... congrats Baby ... and I witnessed a great parent doing their job ... so I was having lunch today with my good friend and comic Roger Keiss and this kid was at the ice cream machine as we would soon find out she was not supposed to be ... because her Mother ... straight " ninja style " actually snuck up behind her drew her hand back and slapped her on the behind like Bruce Lee probably did to the producers when he found out The Green Hornet was getting cancelled ( he played Kato... damn I'm old )...I wanted to stand up and say " Now thats what I'm talkin' bout !!! Good job Mom ... we all need to put these younguns back in line ... every chance you get ..."Beat These Kids !!!"... it works... I'm running for President in 2012 ...in case you forgot this is how it looks... sing the song with me " This Is How We Do It "...
they'll thank you for it later ... ambush em' ... no warning whatsoever ... kinda like that Chips Ahoy commercial ... while they are doing something ignorant ... unsuspecting , walk up behind em' and say to yourself " awww hell no , we ain't having cake today " and give em' the biz ... you'll win respect and adoration ... if I'd wrote the book " How to Win Friends and Influence People " it'd be one page ...

trust me ... people will look at you in awe ... kids are great and somebody will look at this and say "abuse" ... no "discipline" is what I'm saying ... and if you're not gonna discipline them ... don't have any ... if I have more kids , I'm having "Soap Opera" kids ... cause in 6 months , they're grown and gone ... I'm jus sayin' ...

12/19/07 Wed

Ok ... I want some steroids

... I'm gonna give em out for Christmas this year ... everybody else is getting em' ...

Barry Bonds , Roger Clemens

, both deny it whether you believe em' or not ... Marion Jones admitted it ... bless her heart ... she shoulda hocked those medals ...it's the latest craze ... come on , who doesn't want to look like this fool...

I know I would ... hell , alot of folks need em' and we as a society would reap the benefits . Imagine if everyday , regular people were using "roids" ... the only "roids" we get are... you guessed it ... hemorroids ... and they are not only not fun but they do not enhance performance .... trust me , I'm telling the truth. Some people would have enhanced performance who really need it ... fast food employees ?

... I'm sick of the ones we got now ...aren't you ? Damn Right ... How about your minister ?

"you know ...Rev. So-n-So sermons been kinda slack lately" ... give him the needle ... I bet he'll scare the hell outta ya then ...mail carriers ? why not ?...on your feet all day ... fighting off dogs ... not anymore . Now ... Steroids ain't for everybody ... some people probably couldn't handle em' ... Ike Turner

(may he rest in peace ) on steroids? ... Hell No ... it be random slappings and chokings going on ... to women who he wasn't even married to ... O.J. Simpson ... NOOOOOOO ... it wouldn't be a white woman safe in the country ... well it ain't too many safe now ... I saw on The Discovery Channel that white women are now #3 on the endangered species list ... damn ...how about Super Models ? ... come on look at these girls ...

they need some help ... ok ... they really need Jesus for thinking this is sexy ... I like women with ... whatd'ya call it ? oh yeah ... flesh !!! ... Speaking of "super" ... Superman has been using for years ... I mean who do you want lifting a bus off of you , this guy

...or this guy ...

...Jack Bauer , from the T.V show "24"... who is also the 3rd baddest white man ever ( Steve McGarrett and Matt Dillon are the other two) .... he'd have shot the President and his wife ( on the show that is ) ... my point is who doesn't want to perform better ? I know I do ...and I know you do too ... so steroids for everybody ... it'll be a better world ... I'm jus' sayin' ...

12/22/07 Sat

Don't take this the wrong way . I ain't one of those fat people who try to get in shape and then look down on everybody else ... I'm gonna do me ... and You just do You ... but I'm trying to be better ... at being me . So I decided a few months ago to try to get really serious about a lotta stuff ... my work , my relationship(s) and especially losing weight ... for real ... this time . I want my lap back ... I've missed it and it misses me . Oh it's still here ... somewhere . I'm glad to report that going to the gym everyday is now part of my daily regimen . I really feel better .. I think I look better ... if that's possible ... I'm kidding ...

but if America is as fat as I hear we are ... how much worse can this food get . I don't know what's worse the food or the people pushing it at us .

The fast food devils are pulling out all the stops . You can get bacon on everything now . ... ridiculous. I was really somewhere where they were serving deep-fried burgers. Fried pickles ... fried twinkies ... fried oreos ... who the hell was sitting around the house saying " you know ... I know I can get congestive heart failure if I really , really try ... I know ... Imma fry these damn twinkies !!! How bout this ? Next time you're in a fast food joint ... tell em' ... lemme get a slice of fried ham , a large glass of grease , and a defib ... defribil ... you know ... one of these

? You gotta really work hard at this losing weight thing . Wendy's has a burger with a real pig on it .... I love bacon as much as the next Muslim but come on !!! I bought a bean pie from a Brother from the Nation ... with bacon on it !!! Hardee's

puts everything on a burger thats edible ... look at Paris ... you can't even see her face ... not that that's a bad thing ... they got a new burger with steak on it ... no wonder those Chick fil a cows are screaming "eat mor chikin" ... there wont be any beef left .... the old Wendy's lady

bless her heart ... you know where the beef is lady? Hell I think we we ate it all ...

Hey ... no jokes today ... well one , this year I gave out compliments for Christmas ... cause I'm broke , and everybody likes getting them . Seriously , I'd like to wish everyone a Merry Merry Christmas . I want to thank everyone for their support , I love my job and I couldn't do it with you . I hope you get all you want and need and truly celebrate it the right way . I'm not perfect but that's why Christ is in my life ... I talk to him everyday ... people get concerned about talking on religion or spirituality ... but I ain't . I hope you get to know him better in the future ... I hope to as well . So to you and yours , I wish you Love, Peace and Prosperity today and in the New Year ... Happy Holidays .

Happy New Year Y'all .... I'm late but... you know how I am ... also happy Birthday to My Father who passed away in June ... I Love You Dad ... I know you and Momme are having a great time in heaven ... we all miss you very much ...

Aiiiight ... the woman from The Golf Channel done done it now !!! It seems that she..............

Kelly Tilghman suggested on-air that in order for the other golfers ( who are largely white ) on the tour to catch up to

Tiger (who is Black ... and a bunch of other stuff) they should "lynch him in a back alley".............. see , that's why people who ain't funny .... need to quit trying to be ... leave it to the funny people . She said that she and Tiger are friends and has since apologized for her poor choice of words . Now I'm not gonna pull an "Al Sharpton or a Jesse Jackson" but come on lady ... you seem fairly intelligent ... and kinda hot ... in a "news-lady" kinda way I guess , but you gotta know that was stupid. Lynching ain't sexy ... I like the folks in Lynchburg ,Va , but it still creeps me out when I get close . Michael Richards last year calling a guy a "Nigger" was not only not sexy , but just not cool at all ,

Don Imus calling the Rutgers Women's Basketball team " Nappy -Headed Hoes" was .............. well that was kinda funny But Look at Imus !!! ... some you have seen me do the joke ... Imus is the most nappy - headed white man I've ever seen .So here's a Public Service Announcement for all the white people who try to take a shot at racial humor ... it's not even my quote ... It's from the Queen of Soul Aretha Franklin ... " THINK" . Now some people , black and white ... are gonna read this and say " What's the Big Deal ?" You're right . Some other people , black and white , are gonna read this and say " You Gotta Be Kidding Me ... we should Lynch em all !!!" and you entitled to that ... and some people , black and white are gonna say " Aretha needs to "THINK" , before she puts on another tight white dress and walks around looking like a really low cloud" ... Honestly ... with the exception of Michael Richards , who ... when I met him , was a really nice man... told me I was funny , then put his hood on and walked off ... is really a jackass , but anyway, the other two fools I believe were really trying to be funny ... so just quit it . I don't think Kelly should lose her job or anything ... make her do something cool ... like be in a rap video or somethin' ... We got enough people who are supposed to be funny .... who ain't ... I'm jus Sayin'.

Oh ... Before I forget ... Happy Birthday to my Mother ... the First woman I ever loved ... we all miss you so much . You're an Incredible Woman and I and a lot of people are so fortunate to have had her in our lives ... Hey ... y'all if you're reading this .... hug your Mom today ...

Ok ... this is gonna be a good one . First I apologize for being so long between entries , I was Locked up , but anyway ... This entry will be filled with racial overtones , played out stereotypes and prejudiced opinions ... kinda like Bill O'Reilly's show ... only I'm not a racist . I think we got to change whatever the thing reads on Lady Liberty's little notebook or scroll or whatever she's holding.. you know the Gimme you tired , your poor ...that thing... yeah have somebody add "EXCEPT THE MEXICANS !!! ". We're coming up on an election year and immigration is a hot topic. Today I saw on the news that now

Mexico ... has a problem ... with Mexicans ... coming back ... to Mexico ...Now that's just stupid . Hell you can return anything back to Wal-Mart ...even stuff you didn't buy there , so you gotta let Mexicans come back to Mexico if they want .This is America's fault . You can't tell people that "all are welcome" ... if in fact "all ain't welcome" . They're like ... no disrespect ... Rodney Dangerfield ... no respect . This country is full of immigrants ... but if you're gonna single out the Mexicans ... and send em back ... then send all their stuff back too . Yeah ... Tacos , Enchiladas , Burritos , Tamales ... Telemundo ... I'm gonna miss Caliente ( that's the Mexican Soul Train) send it all back ,if they can't be here then quit using their stuff ... No more salsa dip , we tried to make salsa dip or picante sauce ...we can't ...we even say it in the commercial "NEW YORK CITY ?!?!?" ... or salsa dancing for that matter ...most of us mess it up and besides they both give me gas . No more Cinco de Mayo ... we got Quattro de July-o ... hell we got Mondays !!! We got enough drinking holidays ... ain't body trying to send the Irish back . Send the Germans back ... no more Mercedes ... send the Italians back ... no more Olive Garden .. what are ya gonna do on Sunday after church ??? Cracker Barrel ?... Asians can't drive ... but neither can Mexicans plus who"s gonna work at the Chinese buffets ? So leave the Mexicans alone ... legalize em' ... they work hard ...we're building a wall to keep em' out ... and I imagine some Mexicans are gonna help build it , go figure I gotta go the guys are here to do my yard ... see how stupid it all is .If they want to be Americans ... let em ... I'm Jus' Sayin'...

I'm in St.Louis this weekend at the Forum ( great club) and I'm watching Sportcenter before I go up and I see that the nice lady ,

Georgia Frontiere who owns the St.Louis Rams passed away . Now I could say something really mean like she passed better than the Rams did this season but I won't . I'm sure she will be missed ... and she's probably laughing at that joke ... anyway the legendary Al Canal the owner of the Comedy Forum and I were discussing it and Al made note that she died ... at the age of 80 ... of breast cancer .... Now I realize the fight against breast cancer and actually support a friend who does a 3-day walk in Atlanta for the cause and I applaud her for that ... but like Al said ... I don't know if she really died of breast cancer ... or simply because SHE WAS 80 !!!! I mean really in this age of too much information ... when someone dies at the age of 80 ... I think it's really because their 80 ... that's a long time to be doing anything ... hell I've been doing comedy for ten years ... I've never kept a job that long ... dying at at age 18 , 26 , 39 , even 60 is sad because people are living longer ... like my man Steve Irwin

...something went wrong ... a stingray ... who was probably kinda pissed ... this alligator don't look all that happy here ...and honestly Steve cheated death a lot ... it was like he was Jimmy Johnson and death was the rest of the NASCAR drivers over the last couple of years ... couldn't catch him ... that was for my NASCAR homies .... he died young but he got a lot in while he was here ... so of course , curious minds would want to know "what happened ? " ...the answer , " oh ... a stingray bit him " ... and curious minds upon learning that information would probably say " Damn ... that's messed up " ...but he died doing what he loved and I think that's great ... so if you live to be 80 ? ... I think everything went pretty ok . The Bible promises us 3 score and 10 ... which is 70 ... she was in the bonus round ... and looks like she having fun ... she won a Super Bowl !!! , you go , girl ...I hope I can make it to 80 ... like Ms.Frontiere ... that's a blessing . and if I'm blessed likewise ... then tell the truth . Like " Comedian Spanky Brown passed away today at the age of 106 ... doctors say the cause of death was ... uh ... damn he was 106 ... and chinese food , what'dya want !!?!??! " ... I'm Jus' Sayin' ... rest in peace Ms.Frontiere .. you deserve it ...

Happy MLK DAY

to all my friends... I've been slapping white people ALL DAY !!!! ... I'm JUST KIDDIN' !!!!!! ... Dr.King would slap me for that joke.... but that's the beauty of what I and others like me do ... now that's not what he stood for and neither do I . I say it every night on stage ... " There are more people in this country who want to get along... than there are those who don't" ... it's what I really believe ... we'll all be gray in a few years anyway ... That's why I love my job ...I get to say what everybody wants to but maybe can't ... "Comedy is the last bastion of the first amendment" ... my good friend and great comedian Tim Wilson told me . It's one of the things where people can come together , regardless of race where we all sit down, have a few ... or more cocktails , greasy comedy club food and laugh at everything ...and mainly each other . I'm glad to be a part of this profession ... I was born to do it ... I think as long as we realize , that ignorance ... comes in all shades and hues ... we'll see that people are just that... people... flawed and imperfect ...the more of us that get that... the fewer number of us grows that won't ... Even Rodney King ... bless his heart ...might have said it best " Can't we all just get along ?" Only in America ...would you find one so great ... and yet one so stupid ... that could find some common ground ? ...One Country ... yeah we can Rodney you're right ... just slow that Hyundai down ... I'm jus' sayin' ...

I am so ready to vote now and you should be too ... I want to move to Canada so bad right now I watched the NHL All Star game last week . Did you watch the State of the Union address last night ? I don't know if it was me or did the President look ...

I don't know ... extra ignorant last night ? He had the most stupidest look at times ... actually he was not alone . Nanci Pelosi was trying to stay awake bless her heart ... I think she's hot ... like a hot Auntie or something ... and is it me or does Dick Cheney look a lot like Mr. Potter from the movie "It's a Wonderful Life " ?

... you be the judge . George W. Bush ... you gotta love him ... He needs a nap ...He actually tried to defended this ridiculous war and tried to say the economy is not that bad .You know how bad it is ? ... This is how bad it is ... this morning Wal-Mart is cutting prices 10-30 % ... WAL-MART !!!! The low price leader ....to help boost the economy . If I ever thought the economy was strong it was in Wally World . It's always crowded ... like a Hannah Montana concert . Everybody has got to vote . I'm not gonna endorse anybody . I know you guys were waiting . Not gonna do it . Ted Kennedy came out for my man Barrack Obama Yesterday ... I don't know if that's good or bad ... but cool > The thing with endorsements is that the endorsers are people who got us all messed up anyway ... so get endorsements from people that America pays attention to . I guarantee the election would be different

if Akon backed someone ... he's on everybody's album . T-Pain too ... Michael Moore would get people going and then he'd do a movie about it ... The "Girls Gone Wild " could be the "Girls Going for Hillary " ... catchy huh ? "Brittany for Barrack "... ok that even scares me . She couldn't cast a fishing rod right now .. hang in there girl ... vote folks ... please ... except Florida ... sorry y'all ... this is all you guys fault ... I'm Jus' Sayin'

Man...

what a Super Bowl huh ? ... played at The University of Phoenix stadium ... I didn't even know they had a team ... what's the mascot ? The Hard Drives ? The Keyboards ? ... how about the Downloaders ? ... anyway big ups to the Giants ... the Cowboys are killing y'all next year so be ready ... I didn't watch the halftime show ... I figured Tom Petty or one of The Heartbreakers would have a stroke or something and who wants to see that?! So I decided to do something productive ... so I surfed to see what else was on against the big game ... and here's what was on :

The Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet ... they had puppies playing in a little stadium ... some might think it was cute ... BUT IT WAS NOTHING BUT DOG-FIGHTING !!!

look at these two ... it was vicious ...and Michael Vick wasn't even there ...

The Chow Down Championship on Spike ... Joey Chestnut is the #1 eater in the world eating 7.4 lbs of ham ... that's is stupid ... I'd hate to see what his blood pressure is ... I'll bet it was Muslims saying Damn ... I wish I could do that ...

Nancy Grace was on Headline News ... angry about something ... she just had twins ... so she had sex ... with somebody ... bless his heart ... honestly could you get naked with this ?

... I know , me neither

Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew was on VH1 ... another train wreck ... but my new favorite show ... I can't wait to be on ...

The Most Horrifying Hollywood Murders on E! ... man that was crazy ... thanks E! ... more depression ... that's what we all need

...and some other garbage was on that didn't make me puke but the game was all that ... I was drunk by the coin flip ... can't wait till next year ...

Man ... How about Super Tuesday ?!?!? I'm excited ...

Barrack , Hillary ... Mitt , Mac , Huck and my man Paul ... who ? some of you might be saying ... that's right Ron Paul is still in it and ... well he thinks he's still in it . Talk about never say die ... even when you're already dead ... He's like "Weekend at Bernie's " ... you know he's dead , but he keeps showing up . Which asks the question ..."WHO THE HELL IS STILL GIVING RON PAUL CAMPAIGN DONATIONS ????" I got another question as well WHO THE HELL IS RON PAUL ANYWAY ??? ... this guy ...

... bless his heart ... Come on ... it's not like Ralph Nader or Ross Perot who could actually screw up an election with enough votes ... if anybody should be still in who can't win it's Dennis Kusinich ...

cause his wife is kinda hot ... you go pimp ... but Ron ... let it go . You're like the Steven Seagal of politics ... the last Steven Seagal movie I saw he was doing Karate all right ... sitting in a chair .

That is straight ignorocity . ( I'm making up my very own dictionary ... a lot of which revolves around the word "Ignorant" ... cause sometimes ignorant just ain't enough) let it go Ron ... it probably never should have been started ... your campaign that is . Hell I wanted to play quarterback for my beloved Dallas Cowboys ... and look at me ... I'm happy dammit !!! I know some people says he makes a lot of sense ... I know cause you see him on the debates . He's probably using a rental car to travel in ... let it go Ron ... I'm sure he's a nice guy but somebody tell him it's time to go home .. and ... say it with me folks ... GET IN THE DAMN BED !!! ... I'm Jus' Sayin'...

No entry today just letting ya know to check out my new page " Spank-Tionary" all the hybrid words I use on stage and their definitions . I'll be adding them every couple of days or so and you can contribute by going to the comments / contact page ... soon you too will using words like "stupidologist" , "uglyectomy", " dumbologist " and "ignorocious" ... yay ...

Hey .. Happy Hearts Day to everybody ... I hope you get all the love you need today and tomorrow ... after that you're on your own . Now ... I really am starting not to trust companies who have more than one product .If the one thing that you do ain't the absolute bomb ... then make sure you got that right before you start delving into something else ... I mean there was a time when if you wanted fried chicken , you went to a fried chicken joint ... and they weren't trying to sell you a burger . Today I see this commercial for Summers Eve Body Wash ... Now .. and I speak for a lot of guys here ... I ain't taking a shower with body wash made by the same folks who make feminine hygiene stuff ... that's like you ladies using a feminine wash made by Lava Soap ... that is not gonna happen . I'm just saying if you're doing something good ... the dammit , stick to what you know ...keep it simple and just do what you do ... If the makers of Rogaine start making the same stuff Nair makes ... a lot of bottles could get mixed up , and a lot of folks could be pissed off ... you go in the bathroom with a bald spot ... and come out with a bald head ?!?? Hellllll Nawww ... What if After Shave makers came out with a Bourbon Whiskey ... You can't be putting on some old Grand Dad and drinking a bottle of Brute ... all alcohol ain't all alcohol ... Now granted some things my be a natural fit ... If Gillette came out with some steak knives ... cool ... but not band-aids ... I'm Jus' Sayin'...

Tom Jones has just insured his chest hair with Lloyds of London ... no joke . I ain' t got a joke for that . Whatever level of celebrity I enjoy I hope and pray that you ... my friends will never see me do anything that *%#! stupid ...I'll always be down to earth and accessible ... I promise ... gotta go now ... I'm having my fingernails replaced ... with platinum ones ... geez...

Alllllright ... Happy Sunday Everybody ... and now ... I gotta take time out to talk about the best college basketball team in the SOLAR SYSTEM ... dem Fighting Tigers from The University of Memphis ...

Big ups to Coach John Calipari for putting the Tigers back on top ... not only on top but we destroying everybody else . Matter of fact we should change the mascot from the Tiger to The University of Memphis "First 48" ... why ? CAUSE THEY KILLIN' PEOPLE !!! or how about "The Rotors " ... yeah ... cause we BEATIN' DA BREAKS OF PEOPLE " Some of the basketball experts are really waiting for us to lose ... Digger Phelps from College Gameday ... first of all your name is Digger ?!? ...he won't give it to us ... I got two words for him ... DIGGER PLEASE !!! I don't care about going undefeated ... just beat UT ... sorry Coach Pearl ... they whipped us so bad last year ... and who's a great guy and my buddy... but my third favorite team... after dem Fighting Tigers ... the It's The Lady Vols ... hey Coach Pat ... we tight like that ... go see my photos ... and then the Tennessee Vols men's team ... If we do lose .... lets lose early ... so that's my sports blog ... "Go Tigers Go"... oh and good luck to my buddies Elliot Sadler and Jamie Mc Murray in the Daytona 500 today ... I'm gonna watch the last 5 or 6 miles ... sorry guys ...

Whattup y'all ... sorry for the gap ... I was still observing the official mourning period for the U of M loss to Tennessee ... Oh yeah ... YAY Vanderbilt !!! ... lesse ... what's happened ... oh yeah Barrack Obama got an endorsement from Christopher Dodd ... yeah Who ? This guy was out after Iowa ... he'd get a bigger endorsement from the Klan ... thanx Chris ... I'm gonna endorse people who really need it ... like my barbers ...all of em , I got three ... I endorse em all the time , why ? Cause I hate seeing bad haircuts as much as I hate getting them ... and I've got "good hair " ... you folks reading ( black and white folks ) this know what I'm talkin about ... I think there is no good or bad hair ... I've just got "hair" ... period . Furthermore the only "bad hair " is "no hair " through genetics ... do white people have " bad hair " ? YES THEY DO ... I think the term is course ... oh this is a funny story ... my kid , who has " good hair " is in school with a boy who is short for his age I guess ... her girlfriend says " Chelsea you have hair like you're from Pakistan " this short kid says " No ... she's from Afganistan ...Chelsea says " well you must be from Shortmanistan" let me spell it for you (Short-man-i-stan) now that's funny ... but back to the hair thing ... I'm gonna hold a press conference ... " I called you all here to endorse my man Big Mike Knoxville... and Lil Tony in Macon and my guy Eric in Savannah ... the best barbers in the universe why you ask ? ... cause they know the difference between "good hair " and a perm "... I also am coming out for My sisters potato salad ... you can't trust everybody's but I trust hers and I stand behind it " ... honestly the only thing I want to endorse is a check ... so should you ... I'm Jus Sayin'...

Today is Super Tuesday part 2 . While the race between Clinton and Obama sounds like a bad Bee Line novel when the media talks about it ... oh ... the two candidates are in a hot one, oh it's gonna be tight , folks are sweating it out ... Obama's behind Hillary ... wait Hillary is on top of Obama ... come on ... can we talk about something else ... and NOT BRITTANY SPEARS EITHER !!! ...anyway the person who ain't gettin' it on is my man Huckabee ... Mike !!! Let it go ... it's over like Tupac and Biggie and Elvis ... you're dead !!! Who is still giving him money anyway ? Maybe Ron Paul's pepole . Hell give some to me ... I need it !!! Now , Gov. Huckabee seems like a decent dude ... I mean he plays the bass , he's a preacher ... my Dad was a preacher ... I love most preachers ... he is really funny , he's funnier than a lot of comedians I know ... sorry y'all ... but it's true . Let it go man ... you need a talk show ... yeah it'll be great .. "Hangin' with Mr. Huckabee" or something ... I'll be your first guest , and I can ask you why the hell didn't you fix the roads in Arkansas when you were running things ? Any of you ever driven I-40 through Arkansas ? They paved it with a spatula !!! Anyway ... it's over Mike .. I do like you ... evidently a lot of people do ,,,, just not enough... sorry ... I'm Jus Sayin" ...

The other day I left my hotel in a bit of a hurry for a radio interview and forgot my cell phone . I was unclear of the directions and even though I'd been to this radio station before I wanted to call to make sure and I could not find one of these ...

... a phone booth . Remember these ? I know they're still around but that particular day it was the typical " you can never find one when you need one " mornings . I used to say that I never wanted to be busy enough to have to have a cell phone or laptop for that matter ... now I really can't do without either of em ... and I hate that . I don't really want to be a slave to anything ... plus I'm Black so that goes triple ... Oh, I'm a gadget freak too so I've got the Jawbone Bluetooth thing... which I hardly ever wear in public ... cause I ain't that busy ... who wants to walk around looking like a substitute secret service agent ?.. That's funny ... I bet the President would feel really safe that day ..." Sorry Mr. President ... Williams is sick today but Gomez is taking his place ... he hadn't worked in a while ...but he's been practicing ..." If I'm the President , I'm like " You better tell Gomez to get his monkey ass in here right now or his service won't hafta be so secret anymore " ... but anyway ... I actually guessed right and wound up finding the place without the need to call . During the interview we wound up talking about how small cell phones are now and we went online and found this ...

... and this

... and this too ...

Straight Ridiculousness !!! ( consult the Spanktionary ) ...Pleeeeeeze !!! Is this really necessary ?! They got us again and the crazy part is some fool is gonna buy one and rationalize why he or she needs one ... (1) It's so small . (2) I don't really talk a whole lot so I won't have the extra bulkiness. (3) It's cool ... everybody will have em '...
Yeah ... well a lot of us thought this was cool once upon a time ...

... and this ...

remember this thing ? It was like carrying around a brick in your pocket ... but it was multi- purpose ... you make calls and bust out your ex- girlfriend 's new boyfriend's windshield ... and it could be a weapon ... You think this looks stupid ? ... How smart are you gonna look when you mistakenly answer your chapstick ? I'm Jus' Sayin' ...

Ok here comes a semi- sermon ... Men , Brothers , Pimps and Playas ... We gotta do better with our women ... can we get one politician who ain't got some kinda pervertivity going on in his life ?!? Wait a minute there's a few of em acting right and trying to live decent ... when a name comes to me I'll tell you ... what's crazy is whenthey fall they fall big because they were so upright and righteous and then ... BOOM !!! First of course it was Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky

... then

Jim MacGreevey and some Dude ... then Larry Craig

and some other dude and now this ignorance ...

Elliott Spitzer the Gov. of New York has been doing the nasty with a prostitute ... named Temeka ... for $ 5000 an hour ... up to $31,000 a night ... in American money ... that is crazy ... what's crazier is how they parade their wives up to stand by their side like " I know , I know ... I look like an ass but I love him ..." What I would do to see one political wife to go straight "Waiting to Exhale" on somebody and just lose it ... you know ... bite his ear off or something ... hold these guys accountable for some of this stupidness . Now I know some guys are reading this and saying " I can't believe it ... "Spank is a hater " ... " Spanky is whipped " ... whatever ... I love my woman ... and I respect her ... and I wouldn't cheat on her because I love and respect her ... and even if I wanted to I damn sure ain't gonna pay for it ... I ain't got to ... I'm good enough ... I'm smart enough ... and gosh darnit ... people like me ... hell , I'm even semi - famous ... according to " Comedy This Typhoon Season " magazine ... uh ... that's an online monthly comedy magazine ... in Sri Lanka ... for real ... and it's written in Sri Lankish or something ... but that's beside the point ... We gotta do better fellas ... Now some guys are reading this and saying " that Spanky is not only a stand up comedian ... but a stand up guy too"... I try to be ... you know why there are so many sorry women in the world ... cause we got some even sorrier men ... there ... I said it ... hell today these guys are killing their women ... did you know the second leading cause of death in pregnant women after delivery room complications ... is homicide .That is crazy. ... I'm blessed to have good men in my family ... My parents were married for over 50 years ... they weren't perfect nobody is but they never cheated on each other ... my Sisters and my Brother have been married long and I know they don't screw around ... I got a crackhead sister ... married to ... that's right ... another crackhead ... met on E Harmony ... I'm kiddin' ... but talk about compatibility ... for over 25 years ... solid ... as a rock I guess ... but anyway .... I have a daughter and sisters ...I mean honestly , can you really treat your woman like $%@* ... but expect some guy to treat your daughter like a princess ? ... she'll never be able to recognize a righteous man ... if she never sees one ... I'm Jus' Sayin' ... now ... let's pass the plate ...

That's right ... "Today is a day that will live in insanity" ... I was born on this day ( Thanx Mom and Dad ) in 19__ ... some of y'all know some of you don't ... but you know , I'm happy . I've got a great life , a lot of folks can't say that , and that's sad . Some maybe had better opportunities that other , some not so good . In my life I've learned that it takes all kinds ... and I'm the lucky one ... cause it's people ... to include myself ... who give me fodder for what I truly enjoy doing , and that is making people laugh ... so you ask what do I want for my birthday ... I want some of y'all to keep screwing up , and I will do my part too , cause I know I will ... after all I'm a

professional . Honestly , it really is the gift that keeps on giving ... Jus' Sayin'... Happy Birthday Me ... Yay !!!!!

Happy St Patty's day to everybody ... I think St.Patrick is given credit for running the snakes outta Ireland ... not inventing the 12 step program which some us need to be on after celebrating his day . I used to live in Savannah Ga which is home to the 2nd largest St. Patrick's day celebration ( per capita ) in the country . They let the kids out of school ... to drink ... nuff said , they take it pretty serious . I used to do a joke about Keshawn McGillicutty ... a black Irishman ... from Dublin ... Georgia ... eating Lucky Charms ... guess you had to be there . I still get accents mixed up between Scottish and the English and The Australian ... and some get kinda pissed about it and honestly ... I'm at a loss why . Come on James Bond could have been Australian and Harry Potter could be Scottish and The Beatles could have been ... They are English ... see what I mean ?!? My bad y'all ... but you see what I'm saying doncha ??? ... Germans and Austrians same people ... what about Chinese and Japanese and ... Taiwanese ... they're all Hawaiian !!! Look ... We're all just people at the end of the day , well most of us anyway . Now ... National Stupidification Day ... there you go ... every Friday ... then we'd have something to celebrate ... celebrating the ignorant ... what a day that'll be ... I'm Jus' Sayin'...

It's my favorite time of year ... MARCH MADNESS BABY !!! I typed that as Dick Vitale would say it . I don't have to tell you guys who my favorite is ... but I will ... The Fighting Gigbytes fro DeVry University ... just kidding ... but that would be funny . Having all the internet schools in the tournament . Lesse ... you would have the DeVry Gigabytes , the Keyboards of ITT , The University of Phoenix Hard Drives and whatever school that Sally Struthers reps ... you know you can get your diploma in auto repair or hair and nails ... what's that mascot the Wrenches or the Beauticians , I don't know ... Anyway I got my bracket

and I'm ready and you know it's all about the Tigers from the University of Memphis BABY !!!!!!!!! ( Dick Vitale again ) ...

and we ain't getting any respect ... but that's okay .

Coach Callipari got em

ready to play and it is our time ... in case some of y'all forgot ... this is how WE do it ...

... We need to hit free throws ... that I'll never understand ... some of these cats can hit a shot from the concession stand with two guys on em while eating a hot dog and talking to his Momma on a cell phone ... but can't hit an uncontested shot from 15 feet ... unguarded ... whatever ... oh and Good luck to UT both men and womens teams and ... I got two weeks off and I'm gonna enjoy all the basketball I can ... why you ask ? BECAUSE I CAN BABY !!! ( Dickie V ...) I'm excited about tournament sporting events ... we should do it for everything ... like at restaurants . pick your favorite eatery ... eat a different dish on every visit , write down your score , and when you complete the menu eliminate half of em ... and so on and so forth ... that would be fun ... you'd gain 100 pounds but so what ?!?!? Or ... girlfriends and boyfriends ... date all the people you can ... or the ones that would really date you ... cause stalking does not count ... if you're really serious ... how about husbands and wives ... Tournaments ... gotta love em ... Happy March Madness Baby !!!! (DV) ... GO TIGERS GO !!!!!! ...

See ... that's why I'm not eating any more fast food . You really do get what you pay for ... "the Crack-Burger " ?!? ... Some lady ordered a fish sandwich at Rally's that had crack in it ... ridiculousness ... I knew fast food was no good for you but I didn't think it could really be "addictive " ... anyway ...

Today is the 5th anniversary of the War in Iraq... five years ... wow ... did anybody really think it would go this long ? America has spent almost a TRILLION dollars on this stupidity and more importantly lost around

4000 soldiers ... and today your President ...

and mine too I guess... damn... today will tell us that everything is going as planned ... we are just now starting to see the fruits of this labor ... in others words " I got this ... it's all good ... lounge"... and we're in a recession ... a Trillion dollars ... you know how much money it costs to print a trillion damn dollars ???... If I were elected President ... and it could happen ... especially if this comedy *^&*% don't work out ... my first act ... after getting my credit straight ... is to get our troops home and leave those people alone over there ... the problem is not Islam ... it's these "Extra Islam " fools ... sorta like Islam Ultra ... these extremists are crazy ... bring the soldiers home and leave em alone ... we're only there for the oil anyway ... we can make our own gas ... hell we got O'douls ... fake beer ... I know we can make some fake gas outta something ... leave em alone ... they hate us ... always have ... they hate the west and everything about it ... they say it's because of greed and decadence , so " if they hate then let em hate an' watch the money pile up" ... thanx fiddy (50) ...they're making women blow themselves up ...

killing children ... using retarded people as suicide bombers ... in the name of religion ? Leave their ass alone !!! Hell our retarded people ain't retarded at all , most of em got more sense that us so-called " regular people " anyway ... you give an American " ... my bad " Special Needs " person ... ( that sounds worse than retarded any damn way ) ... give em a bomb and tell em to go blow these people up in the mall and see what they tell you ... to go to hell that's what they'll tell you ... they might be retarded , but not STUPID !!! ... I love em ... every person who supposedly ain't " like the rest of us " has always shown unconditional love and I give it right back ... So who's really retarded ? A President who sacrifices other peoples children in a pointless war ... a governor who loses everything he worked for to possibly include his family over a piece of ass ... he paid for...as governor ? Or a preacher using the pulpit to espouse his opinion of utter stupidity ... sounds like "Special Needs " to me ... you know what ... dammit ... I wanna be retarded ... I'm Jus' Sayin' ...

Hilarious ... the New Governor of New York David Patterson is like .... "Aaaiiiiiggghhhhttttt !!! Lemme go head and get this outta the way right now" ... Hella funny ... you go boy ... you might not see the forest ... or the trees for that matter ... but you know where the bush is ... and evidently your wife was not gonna take it lying dow .... well actually she did ... too ... she was probably like " Awwwwwwwww Hellllll to the Naw !!!! " ... Infidelity ... it keeps a family together ... This is why my new favorite song is by the legendary bluesman John Lee Hooker ...

" Loving People " ... if you get a chance listen to it ... download it purchase it ... great groove ... great lyrical message ... " Loving people keeps you happy ... makes you sleep at night ... keeps you singing " ... it's true ... you gotta love people to keep from killing em ... no matter how stupid they are ... look at em and say " Hey man ... you gotta be the most ignorant bastard I've ever met ... but I love you anyway ... how about a ice cold glass of Bleach ... on me "... see bleach gets out everything , stains , bacteria and stupidity ... So when you see somebody is an obviously practicing Moronicist ... specializing in Ignintology ... or a Retardatarian or just a regular old Stupiditary ... or someone suffering from Buffoonicitis ( see the Spanktionary ) .... Somebody called it the " Spankypedia " ( thanks to Adam White ) ... just love em and keep it moving ... trust me ... the job of hating them is probably already taken ... I'm .... Jus' ... Sayin' ...
Happy Brackets day everybody ...

You know ... these criminals are really outta hand these days ... all of em but especially violent criminals . With the recent senseless murders of two college students ... beautiful young ladies who really seemed to have it all together ... were killed by idiots for no reason ... shooting rampages and domestic violence all the time ... it appears that no one has any regard for human life today . That's why I'm not a proponent of the death penalty ...

it does no good ... for anybody . So I'm proposing torture ... cause these fools ain't afraid of dying ... but I'll bet they're afraid of torture , and we gotta get creative with it . First we gotta make jail ... jail ... heat no a/c ... no cable ... he I aint got cable ... I'm lying , if nothing else gets paid , I got cable ... I'll pay my cable before the electricity , cause when I finally do pay the electricity ... I got cable ... anyway and then give em life in prison ... then the torture . I'd hire Mike Tyson ...

remember him ? I'd pay him like $1100 a week ( $ 100 for gas ... cause you don't want to piss him off ) ...let him come in one day a week ... of his choosing ... so it'll be a surprise ... and let him whup ... their ... ass ... for at least ten minutes ... and Mike would do it ... he needs the money ... I'd also hire like 10,000,000 grandmothers

... and let em do grandma stuff to em all day ... you know like talk to em ... pinch em , pull em by the ears you know stuff like that ... I'd put em in a dark room ... no light ... with constantly running water on the floor ... and lock em in with 2-3 mosquitoes

... that would be great ... you ever try to kill a mosquito in the dark ... you'd Hong Kong Phooey yourself to death ... here's a good one ... Scrambled Porn

... all damn day ... that could be a death penalty in itself ... you'd die from frustration ... or carpel tunnel syndrome whichever came first ... just a few ideas ... cause killing em would be letting em off the hook ... torture ... I'm Jus Sayin ' ...

Dang ... Barrack Obama's church is off the chain . First the pastor said some kinda "Malcolm X " thing about the chickens coming home to roost about September 11th ... now some other pastor is comparing the Crucifixion to something of a " Lynching " ... man .You really gotta be careful with religion when it crosses politics . I think if Church and State are to remain separated ... that has to be respected by both ... but this church is really making a statement ... and they have that right ... The First Amendment is the backbone of what I do ... I can say what I want ... also .. it protects the person's right to say to me ... what I may not want to hear . It is a different day when it comes to people of faith ... and I'm one of em ... but it's different now ... no more meek and lowly ... I'm in a restaurant after a show one night and there were a table of women ... sisters ... and it was like a gang ...

they were loud and obnoxious ... but quoting scripture . Crazy ... pretty soon church will be like a gang ... You wear the wrong color Choir robe on the wrong side of town ...

hmmmmmm ... I can see it now , one choir talking about the service and how wonderful it was out in front of the Greater Metropolitan Worship Center of Praise Sunrise Methodist Cathedral Church ... after service ..." that's right brother ... God Bless You and we'll see you next w... wait a minute ... is that them Mt. Nebo Missionary Deliverance Temple Tabernacle Glory Mountain Baptist FOOLS over there ? ... Hey !!!! Brake yo'self fools ... in the name of JESUS !!!" ... Man .. Religious Graffiti ... on a bridge somewhere ... straight ridiculousness ..." Rev. Jenkins and nem ain't bout S*%# !!! " ... Choir initiations would take on a whole new meaning ... it'd be like auditioning for Death Row back in tha day ... Could you hear the call for the offering ... " if you didn't come to give then take your broke a#% home "... that's what it's coming to ... no wonder I haven't seen any Jehovah's Witnesses in my neighborhood ... but I do see more Mormons ... looks like somebody lost a turf war ... I'm Jus' Sayin'...

I fly a lot ...

that's me in the middle ... waving .. before a haircut ...US Air ... some people call it US Scare but not me ... Two folks I don't mess with ... People handling my food ... seriously , they can bring me something I totally didn't order and I'm like that's okay ... cause I feel like if it's wrong now ... it's gonna be really wrong when it comes back because I'm going to appear " difficult " ... and there's no telling what that food is gonna go through getting back to me ... and Two ... people who fly me around . I can't even sleep in a car when I'm not driving . You know ... nothing makes you appreciate the ground more than being up off of it ... ever notice people taking off and landing ? EVERYBODY ... is staring out of the window ... taking off ... especially from your home airport like you may never see it again , and honestly ... you may not ... or landing at your home airport ... staring at the ground ... where you live ... as if you've never seen it before ... ignorocity at it's best ... but now a pilot from US Air shot his pistol ... my bad ... "accidentally discharged his firearm" ... during a flight . Now , now ... that is dangerous ... but I'm glad to know somebody had a gun ... but now it's found out that 99 out of 100 flights have no Air Marshals

... 1% of all flights ... and we're supposed to be protected ...whatever . Hell we should be protected... we pay enough for it ... high as tickets are we should get an Air Marshal , a free gift from Sky Mall , a real meal ... at least a sandwich and Lay - Z - Boys all over the damn plane ... anyway I think they should hand out random guns ... one per flight ... just like random security checks ... if you look cool ... you'll be in charge of keeping order if a sudden outbreak of Moronisitis breaks out ... so you get a gun ... It'd be like taking names for your teacher when she had to go to the bathroom ... except you get to shoot somebody ... and you could show it off to everybody on the flight ... and make announcement to all aboard that you ... are carrying heat ... " Alllllright !!! ... act a fool if you want to ... and get put on the Nightshift !!! ... Give my man his job back ... and give his gun back too ... I'd feel better ...wouldn't you ? ... I'm Jus Sayin'...

Hey Y'all ... sorry for being out for the past few days . Been sick ... really some kinda flu strain called ... I forget what the clinical term is but one of my friends who had it called it the " what the hell is wrong with me " flu. I'm surprised he didn't give it a person's name .That's how Black People do it . We don't use clinical terms , we use the name of the person who died from it ...ex : " Did you hear about Robert ?... He started smoking that Bobby and Whitney ... yeah did a Lattrell Spreewell .... had a Nick Nolte ... twice ...caught the Rick James and DIED . Anyway ... I did manage to muster up enough strength to watch those Fighting Tigers from The University of Memphis stomp into the Final Four ... " Go Tigers Go" ... which is the point of my diatribe today ... which will be short ...does everyone have an abbreviated moniker ... it sounds like this ..." Welcome to coverage of the Men's N.C.A.A basketball tournament on C.B.S brought to you in HDTV by Hp ... today's game is sponsored in part by IMG , A.A.R.P , the IRS and by H and R Block ...MSN The C.I.A and the AFL / CIO ... the CEO of G.E ... and by IBM... P.E.T.A and by AOL ... AFLAC and UBS ... it's like dyslexic Sesame Street or something . I don't even know who or what half of these companies do ... it's a bad game of hangman ...ya know ?

Television is so bad right now . I know we all hear about how much reality has ruined us nowadays . I'm waiting for it to hit a low point . With the exception of American Idol ,and I really don't watch that past the audition phase and even that has gotten so ridiculous but , most of em are reaching for content so badly . "Your Momma Don't Dance ".... Please ... who's Momma dances anyway ... and if she does you don't want anybody to know about it ... then it'd be called " My Momma Ain't No Stripper , I Don't Care What You Say !!! " ... " I Know My Kids a Star" ... we all do ... until you get called to the school .... then it's called " I Know My Kids a Jackass" . Flavor of Love and Rock of Love should combine and call it "Who Wants to Catch an S.T.D " ... that's some reality for you right there ... So I'm watching less and less , but I do love documentaries . I love documentaries. Big fan of the history channel ... cause some of em are really scary ... you star watching anything about Nostradamus and watch how fast you change the channel . I keep waiting for the episode where they find the part that he speaks of ... " there is a rotund one from Tennessee who has the laugh of an elk and spreads the happiness despite his bad credit and lack of success in co-habitation with women folk an ... " uh ... see that's me . See, to me that's the ultimate level of success ... to have a cat like a Nostradamus write about you , or someone like him . Who we got .... Ms . Cleo ? ... John Edward ? ... not the Senator ... the the guy who talks to the dead ... you know looking his campaign it might be one in the same . How cool would that be ... to make it into a history book while you're still alive ... that's crazy. I'll get written about by Nordstrom's ... a shoplifting charge or something ... it won't be good I know that much ... I'm Jus' Sayin' ...

Man ... Today is the official day of mourning . Y'all saw the game last night . U of M lost to Kansas 75 - 68 in overtime. First of all big ups to Kansas ... and big ups to Memphis . Great season . Man ... what a game . Ok it's over ... I'm over it ... it's done . I'm letting it go ............. I can't believe we lost that game last night . As I write I'm fixing a lethal cocktail of Ammonia , Draino , Mayo , dish washing liquid , gin , vodka , garlic powder ( doncha love garlic powder ... I use it in everything ... including suicide ) Ketchup and NyQuil ... I'm kidding . I'm fine ...... it's just a game after all ........................... MAN WE MISSED FREE THROWS LAST NIGHT IN THE BIGGEST PART OF THE GAME ...................... I'm done ............................. I really am over it for real ......................................................... WE WERE UP BY NINE POINTS WITH 2 MINUTES LEFT !!!!!!!!! .......... I'm ok .......................................Damn ................ anybody got any bleach ? .....

Today is the day to get all the tax stuff in ... Taxes ( we are told ) is a very important part of life ... so is itchy scalp but who's complaining ? Anyway ... I saw that two major Airlines are merging , Delta and Northwest . I fly both of em and I like both of em . Soooooooo what are they gonna call the airline now ? Nordelta or Deltwest or whatever my question is when are the prices of tickets gonna go down ? I know .... NEVER !!!! ... seems to me that when two (2) airlines get together , to have more destinations ... together ... the price of tickets should go down . Nope . This happened a few years ago with US Air and America West ... you flown US Air lately ? My seat belt was just a rope with a knot in it ... Ignorrific .... So I'm gonna do it right ... I'm gonna open my own airline and call it Spank- Air . Catchy huh ? ... I gotta make a lot of money first ... I'm working on it (and y'all need to buy more merchandise ... go to my Spanky Stuff page and lets get it poppin' ) ...then open my own airline ... for all my friends ... you guys ... I'm doin it for the people . Now ...I fly quite a bit so I know what we all need in the sky , to be as comfortable as possible to have an enjoyable experience in the air . First .... and you all were thinking it is the easy one ... better , wider seats cause come on , a lot of us ... including me are carrying on a lot of extra carry ons ... The solution ... Love Seats ... yeah , that way you not only sit in total comfort .... but you never know who may sit next to you .. see , love could be in the air ... Second ... Food and I mean real food , Wouldn't you love to come aboard and see somebody's Grandma cooking in the galley ? Fried Chicken , Pork Chops , Greens , Cornbread , Sweet Corn Candied Yams , Biscuits , Mashed Potatoes , Red Velvet Cake ... I'll bet we'd all be sleep after that ... peanuts would only be for dessert ... on top of a sundae or something ... and Third ... No first Class .... we'd all be first class ... and Hot Flight Attendants again ... Ladies I know this is sexist ... but admit it ... even some of you all are tired of looking at our current lot too ... more Heidi's and less Helga's is all I'm sayin' ... see this is me sometimes when I see em offering me a beverage

... so ladies don't trip . Spank-Air is coming .......................... ok probably not

I thought I had game with the ladies ... well actually I didn't really ... my game is that I have no game and most women think it's priceless ... but my man Warren Jeffs is the mack daddy of the year ... Look at this guy

... babe magnet right girls ? How do you get that many women in western civilization to go along with marrying you when you're married , and married , and married and , you get the picture . This guy is a Pimp ...

He must be wearing some kinda serious cologne like Hai Karate ... remember that stuff ? That is some old school game for you there ... some of y'all are old enough to remember that television commercial ... put it on and you had to use karate to fight off the ladies

... kinda like this stuff Axe Body Spray ... except the women are younger ... and hotter ... plus Hai Karate was green and if you wasted it on a woman she'd look like one of the chicks Captain Kirk

was kickin' it with ... speaking of pimps but anyway ... What do you say to a woman ... I got no clue ..." Hey Baby , forget them ... all 27 of em and all them kids too ... alllllllll 416 of em ... it's all about you" . I can't keep up with one woman . Most people think that a man's ultimate fantasy is to be with two (2) women at once ... Biblically ... not me ... I already got high blood pressure and I ain't trying to go out cause I couldn't keep up ... or keep it up or whatever ... this guy is what ?

A PIMP !!! C'mon ... the only difference is that he ain't dressing em like ho's ...he got em all dressed up like a bunch of extras from Petticoat Junction

... man I am OLD ... he needs to get him a big hat and a Cadillac ... or a pimped out school bus or something and call it what it is ... PIMPIN !!!!! I do feel bad for the children cause ain't got no business in this Ignorocity but ... their Mommas are culpable . I nominate Warren Jeffs

as the Pimp of the Year ... I hear ya playa ... move over Don Magic Juan ... There's a new polygamist in town ... I'm Jus' Sayin' ...

Man I love a good horror flick ... some of you have seen me on stage and heard me say just that . I miss em . Nowadays it's all just blood and gore and stuff but I miss the old time classics . Cause they weren't killing people for no other reason than folks kept messing with em .

Frankenstein was created ... he didn't want to be here ... and if he did , not in that state ... big ugly scar on his head ... no Mederma to help it go away , bolts in his neck ... bad business . Dracula

was chillin ... literally ... till somebody dug him up ...and he woke up just like most of us wake up ... thirsty ... the Wolfman just had a messed up bloodline .

Y'all know I ain't racist but you know it had to be some white people with a werewolf in the family ... cause they didn't keep an eye on him ... full moon and he's having dinner ... with guests ... right after dessert ...everybody's dead ... and he's looking stupid ... clothes torn up ... thinking , " Man , every time I eat red velvet cake ... " Black folk with a werewolf in the family ... we'd kept in a a room in the back ... like in the movie Soul Food ( remember Uncle Pete ?) ... soon as we had found out a full moon was coming ... we'd been warning him .. our wolfman that is ... a black werewolf ... that he knew he had to stay in the house ..." Cleveland ... you know it's a full moon next week so you gotta stay your ass in the back room now ... don't be asking to go nowhere ... and if we got company don't be coming out ... you know what happens when you get like that ... yo' damn Daddy ... he the reason you like this anyway ... he oughta come see about you sometimes with his sorry ass ..." These movies now days don't scare me ... so when I wanna get scared I watch The Discovery Channel

... yeah ... the other night I am riveted to the television watching some documentary about how an asteroid killed all the Dinasours ... AND IT'S GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN AND KILL ALL OF US ... ridiculousity ...

in the year 2029 some big rock the size of California might hit us and cause some craziness . THAT IS SCARY ... thats 21 years from now I should be retired ... but I'm a comedian ... so I better get to work ... I need a piece of the rock , but not that one .. I'm mean Prudential . Trust me cause nothing can tear up your set ... or your career ... like an asteroid ... I'm moving to Canada ...I'm Jus' Sayin' ...

I see Stephen Hawking ...

the astrophysicist ...really smart guy in the wheelchair ... says that there probably is extra terrestrial life elsewhere in the universe... though probably not intelligent life . Ok ... here's my question ... WHY ARE WE TRYING TO FIND THEM ? We got enough unintelligent life here . This is my whole thing with space exploration ... WHY ? Gas is too damn high right now ... you know , between NASA and NASCAR ... cut em both out ... gas is back down to 15 cents a gallon . You wanna see some unintelligent life ? NASA needs to go to a NASCAR event ... and take Stephen Hawking with you . Now wait a minute ... some reading this will say " Hey man ... don't be dissin' NASCAR " ...and I'm not ... it's not the sport ... or whatever you want to call it ... it's the "unintelligent life " that attend the sport ... or whatever you want to call it . I saw once KFC had commemorative NASCAR buckets ... with your favorite driver on it ... collect them all !!! ... and some probably did .If you keep a used chicken bucket at your house ... let alone a set of em ... you need to kill yo' self . I actually got a bigger problem with NASA than I do NASCAR . We keep looking for other life forms in the universe ... now deemed to be "unintelligent " ... the outcome can't be good when we find em . LEAVE EM ALONE ... there are UFO sightings all the time ... and what do they do ? THEY GIT THE HELL UP OUTTA HERE !!! Why ? I'm no scientist but my guess is they probably saw some " unintelligent life " down here and said something like ... " GIPNOD ETON SNOD FIGIS A ZIMER AU JUS !!! ( which is loosely interpreted speech from the planet FORGITDIS that means " aww hell no ... they stupid down there ... LET'S GO GET SOMTHIN' TO EAT " ) ... Actually

NASCAR and NASA seem kinda alike ... they both got crews ... everybody wears a headset ... make a lot of money ... they go really fast ... the drivers have suits ... and both got a finish line ... they both got crazy women ( remember the space shuttle chick with the diaper and a food processor a baseball bat and some duck tape and ... oh ... the NASCAR women? ... yeeeeaaah ok ) ... and ... when they get done ... you don't really know what just happened . They oughta combine the two and call it NASA- CAR ... yeah everybody ... drivers and scientists and pilots and whoever ... flies to outer space drop off the science projects ... first one back wins . That would take some skill huh ? I can hear the call now ... " Gordon is still leading whoa !!! he didin't see that asteroid coming I'll bet " ... you don't have to hear that loud , obnoxious , annoying WOOOOOOO !!!! but twice ... once going and once coming back ... I'm Jus' Sayin' ...

Sorry Guys ... going under some new website maintenance , including my new address ... www.spankybrown.tv ... I'll be back soon so hang in ... and somebody call Rev. Wright and tell him to "GET IN THE DAMN BED !!!!! ... see you in a few days ...

Ok ... I'm back . We're going through some site changes and I had to back off the writing for a minute but I'm back ... like a bad check ... thanx for being patient ... just think of it as along commercial , speaking of which ...I love television commercials ... and am absolutely influenced by them ... I used to write em and produce em before I started doing comedy . My favorite is this Comcast commercial ( if you have Comcast where you live you'll know it ) ... where this caveman about to kill this little cute saber toothed beaver or prairie dog for food with a club ... he rolls up on it ... growls and raises his club ... and the thing looks at him as he's about to send it on to glory and says " I ... Love ... You ... " ...the caveman looks confused and is torn between dinner and a potential pet ... slowly lowers his club... then the the graphic comes up and says " Hard to Beat " ... hilarious !!! ... well maybe you had to be there but anyway ... I'm watching the game the other night night and even though my breath is fine ... always is ... I make sure ... evidently with a lot of people ... it's not fine ... there are a bunch of mouthwash , gum , toothpaste , whiteners all over the place ... and the Listerine " Less Intense " ad comes on and I'm like "yeah" , cause as we all know Listerine can be intense but you know ... if Listerine can't fix your breath ... you might need surgery . Bad breath is a problem especially in close quarters . I was on an elevator once in Philadelphia and somebody must have had "Possum" for breakfast but there were more than five people on the elevator ... so ... everybody on the elevator thought ... it was everybody else ... on the elevator . See ... it's the same as body odor ... if you can smell yourself ... other people can smell you too . I mean pretty soon they're gonna come out with a product for your breath that you "Light" ... oh yeah ... pour it in your mouth ... put a fuse in and light it and " Presto " ... fresh breath ... cause after all whats worse bad breath ... or burning flesh ? Anyway I bought some of the "Less Intense " Listerine and to my surprise it was less intense and citrus . I love citrus ... now my breath smells like Florida ... but not Florida this week ... cause of the brush fires and all but you know what I'm saying ...

Wow ... how long has it been ... about a month ?... had to take a little time off ... but as we all know the ignorance never sleeps . been off for a minute so we got some ground to cover so I'll be moving quickly here ... BARRACK ... find your self a preacher with some sense of awareness .. like , I think you should find a Minister who actually knows that YOU'RE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT of THE UNITED STATES ... c'mon man ... they know the deal . My Dad was a Minister , and a great one but I don't remember him getting all crazy when it came to politicians ... so you know me ... I'm a problem solver so I got a solution ... man I hope he's reading this ... I know he is ... I heard he told someone " that Spanky Brown is gosh darnit funny " so here goes ... BARRACK !!! ... leave these crazy preachers alone brotha ... they keep getting you in trouble ... do like I do man ... go to church on TELEVISION !!! ... sometimes I have service right in the bed it's great !!! ... the cool part is I get to hear different preachers every Sunday ... now some of you may read this and say " oh that Spanky is such a heathen !!!" ... no I ain't ... dammit ! ... actually I'm becoming a more spiritual man and less of a religious one ... I'm not against going to church somewhere , I went to church so much growing up I figured I'd gone enough to get into Heaven ... So I visit occasionally ... and it's random ... one Sunday I'm Catholic the next I'm at a Church of Christ , the next I might be Baptist ... like a random act of religiousness ... God loves all of us , and whether you believe in him or not he still does , I just think that it's more important where you're going , than where you're going ... make sense ? BARRACK ... church at my house next Sunday ... and I'm cooking so bring the family ... it'll be dinner on the grounds an errrrthang ...I'm Jus' Sayin' ...

Man it was historic last night ... gotta admit I got a little misty when I saw saw my man Barrack take the stage with his beautiful wife Michelle

as the presumptive nominee last night ... but it got better . Now politics have been center stage lately for me because this guy has got me all excited about the democratic process as he has for a lot of us ... and I thought Hillary should have let it go weeks ago but she really didn't last night but that's ok ... lot of women are like that ... this is gonna sound sexist ... but let's say she was the nominee and the eventual President ... you cant go bomb nobody for something they did ten years ag ... wait a minute .."W" did that too didn't he ? ... damn ... my bad ladies , strike that ... I saw some of John McCain's speech too ... sad ... I think I saw an Urn in the audience ... but anyway ... the moment happened right before he gave the speech , which was fantastic as always ... then it happened ...my phone rang .. it was my man comedian Mike Goodwin ... I knew what he wanted and he was upset ... livid ... right before his wife left the stage , she gave him the "Nancy Regan look" ... you know ... the way Nancy looked at Ron ... like no other man existed ... like " I would do you right now in front of all these people if you wanted me too ... this red dress would be on the floor and it would be on till da break a break a break a dawn" .. cause she loved her man like that ... but that's not it ... as she turned to leave she turned back and ... yep gave him some dap ... gave him a pound ... like " aaiiiiiight Nigga lets do the damn thang " ... priceless ... I thought it was great ... I'm like " Yeah Mike was like " man what is she doing ?... you can't dap the President of the United States up on television" ... these white people ain't ready for that !!! I switched the TV right away from CNN to Fox News cause I knew they were trippin' ... and sure enough the anchor guy said " oh look ... she gave him a little knuckle" ... how white is that ? ... or rather ... how republican is that ... I'm sure they are gonna analyze this like crazy ... they're gonna bring in two brothers to demonstrate " the dap " ... ridiculousness !!!
get ready white people ... this White House is gonna be a little different ... I'm Jus' Sayin'

Lot a folks need to go to bed ... Y'all know I say it every night ... but some of em need to scoot over , cause I just told a horse to brush his big ass teeth and get in the bed ... that's right

BIG BROWN ... GIT IN THE DAMN BED !!! ... He choked worse than the Memphis Tigers on the free throw line ... I'm not that big into horse racing but this was history .... but once again

... CHOKE !!! I got one hour between the race and my show , so I get ready and I'm waiting ... and I'm ready and they start the race and I'm waiting for Big Brown to do his thang ... and nothing ... nada ... zilch ... goose egg ... now some folks are gonna read this and say " leave that horse alone " ... forget that ... a lot of people lost a lot of money on that horse yesterday ... hell I lost $ 10 ... that's a half gallon of gas ... now I know the horse's family ... owners , trainers and all are sick ... but the horse choked

... Ok I'm too hard on the horse , Big Brown !!! it's gonna be ok ... you can probably get in the movies , you could rap ... this is stupid...

Look ... I know times are hard now but we all gotta start felling better about things . the economy is bad ,

gas prices are high , global warming , 90210 is coming back ... the news is horrible ... so I've decided to make myself feel better as well as you guys . See this diary is not just a place for me to attempt to hopefully make you think and laugh ... but also for me to vent and get some stuff off my chest and hopefully get yours and my day off to a better start ... and for me it 's cheaper than therapy . So today and from now on ... it's all about being positive... I'm gonna take something bad or not so good about me or my life and find the upside to it ... I'll start ... cause y'all are my friends ... so here goes ... "I've got eczema ... but not on my face" ... see ... I feel better already .... Imma do it again ... "I can't keep a girlfriend ... but I got the internet so really I got a girlfriend , a different one .... every ... damn ... night" ... Man I feel so much better about myself ... I'm gonna go out and apply for a loan today ... cause they just might give it to me ... You guys should do the same thing ... if your significant other ain't drop dead beautiful then take the good part ... Ladies , look at your man and say nice things today like " you know that guy Bob

from the Enzyte commercials ... well if he's "Bob" then your name must be "Robert" , if ya know what I mean ... Fellas when you see a hot chick , look at your mate and say " if she's hot then you must be "Satan" ... she may look at you strange but then it'll hit her ... " oh ... Satan ... hot ... I get it ... he is so stupid , but he's sweet , I'm gonna give him some ... and it's not even his birthday " ... and fellas you'll feel better cause you didn't lie ... technically ... My dad (R.I.P) was the king of compliments ... he said to me once " I don't know why you can't get good grades ... you got good sense " ... I said "thanks Dad ... I think" ... So that's what I'm doing from now on looking at the bad and finding the good .

Shania Twain just got divorced ... so sad ............... but she's single again !!!! Yay !!!!!!!!... See everybody wins . Instead of saying " this gas is too damn high " ... instead say " well ... at least my car doesn't run

on milk !!!" ... see , it's up ... it's good , all good ... small battles is what I say ... don't say " I look fat " ... instead say " at least I don't look sick " ... feel better today ... I do ... I'm Jus' Sayin' ...

Man can we not let these kids grow up fast enough ? I'm watching my girl Robin Meade on CNN ( cause she's perky hot ) , having my coffee as I do before I start my day ... I know what you're thinking , he's a comic ... they don't get up before noon ... I saw it on the Discovery Channel ) not true my friends .. I keep bankers' hours ... plus I'm old and you know the older you get ... the less you sleep . Anyway ... some fool has come out with .... man .... High Heel for Babies !!!!!

... as if we ain't got enough children coming up missing . Some jackass with a company called Heel - Larious has actually designed high heels for babies... actually what she did was put fuel on the Pedophile fire... She needs to have a glass of bleach It's gonna be like head start for strippers

This happens the same week that R. Kelly gets off for child porn ... you gotta be kidding me ... no pun intended . At a time when the biggest problems with today's kids is that they can't be kids , but the adults are doing the kid stuff for em ?!?! Kid beauty pageants ? Straight Dumbology

Craziness ... I wanna know who green lit this ignorocity ... " This is great ... ain't nothing like seeing a 2 year old stripper !!!" ... Kill yo' Self !!! We all need to quit letting these kids come up so fast ... and realize no matter what we all